What everyone should know about marriage but no one ever tells you

We spend a lot of time planning for our weddings, But how much time do we really spend planning for the marriage.

Here are some things to remember as you embark upon your journey to marital purpose.

1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Your marriage will go through tough times, but remember you’re in it for the long haul. Don’t succumb to the microwave mentality of our time. Marriage is hard work and each partner should be willing to put in their fair share to make it last. Anything worth having is worth working for. Marriage is no exception. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." - James 1:2.

2. Forgiveness is an essential expectation of marriage but it comes with a counterpart and that’s forgetting.. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins." - Matthew 6:14-15. This is a commandment with a promise. If you desire forgiveness from God you must learn to forgive. That includes your husband. But it’s forgetting in marriage that can be downright impossible. How can you be expected to forget the horrible words, the devastating arguments, or worse yet, the affair? Truthfully, there is no cut and dry answer to this question. Only God can give the courage and strength to truly forgive from your heart. But it is important to remember that when you don’t forgive the only person you are hurting is yourself.

3. Admitting when you’re wrong and seeking reconciliation with your spouse can be both difficult and humbling. Many of us would rather jump off a bridge than to admit the error of our ways. But the Word says "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you; leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." - Matthew 5:23-24. Admitting that I’m wrong has sometimes been difficult for me because in my mind it was admitting that I was imperfect, I was weak, frail. Over the years God has convicted my spirit and taught me that without Him I am weak, frail, and imperfect. Only He can perfect our imperfection. So learn to admit when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness from the one whom you’ve offended.

4. Communication, as Keith has taught me, is very important. But communication should be done from a non-judgmental, non-condemning standpoint.

5. Don't try to change your spouse. Instead, try to encourage and strengthen each other. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change yourself. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. - Luke 6:41-42. I spent years learning this lesson. Why I thought I was powerful enough to change God’s creation is beyond me, but I tried to no avail. Then one day I decided that my spouse wasn’t the one that needed changing. It was me. What an “aha” moment. Once I came to that realization, life was much sweeter. You do your job and allow God to do his.

6. Don't depend on your spouse to fill all your needs. Only God can do that. "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, depends on flesh for his strength whose heart turns away from the LORD." - Jeremiah 17:5.

7. Husbands be willing to fill your God-given role. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." - Ephesians 5:25-28

8. Wives be willing to fill your God-given role. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." - Ephesians 5:22-24

Expect from your marriage what God expects and in the end it will lead you to a marriage of purpose.

The Right Attitude for marriage

“Let’s celebrate!” that’s the message a wedding shouts to everyone in attendance. So we celebrate; sometimes even after the bride and groom has departed. We rejoice in the beginning of their new life together, hoping they will live happily ever after. But is that even possible?

The music fades and everyone leans forward to hear this beautiful couple’s words of promise to each other. Standing before God, family members, and friends, they declare their love and commitment to one another. Fast forward 30 years and this now elderly couple enters the restaurant. They sit down to eat. The only conversation is the one held with the waiter. Living in a marital wasteland, they never exchange eye contact, never hold hands. Married for thirty plus years, they find themselves with an empty nest and no relationship because over the years it’s become easier to focus on the aggravations, annoyances, and behaviors that frustrate and anger them in their marriage. They’ve lost sight of the significant gifts of kindness and service they receive from their spouse each day. Their critical negative attitudes have caused them to miss much of the joy of married life.

Hollywood has done a wonderful job making us believe in "happily ever after." What they’ve failed to do is tell us how to maintain it. You see, they don't tell you what it's like to wake up to someone else's bad breath each day or how to respond when the figure is replaced after 40 or so pounds added after childbirth. Why do we spend more time planning for the wedding than we do planning for the marriage?

Great expectations are commonplace when we enter into a marital relationship but most of us are challenged when the reality hits our imagination head on hurling us through the window of our soul to search for a soft place to land only to find that there are chards of glass and steel waiting to cut us into shreds. Happily ever after can only occur if two individuals are or become healthy on all levels; healthy enough to love unconditionally, healthy enough to be complete in their own right and healthy enough to trust God in all things including marriage.

What aids the process of becoming a couple? Why do some couples struggle? How can we turn that struggle into a victory?

Emotional disillusionment in marriage is a symptom of lofty unattainable ideals. False beliefs about our spouse’s ability to fulfill us will only leave us empty and dissatisfied. Scars left by deep and psychic wounds can’t be healed by a spouse. Acceptance, security, significance, and sense of purpose and worthiness are all deep personal needs that can only be attained through the love of God and self. Mental, physical, spiritual and emotional completeness before marriage requires transparency achieved only through open realistic communication. Without it you and your spouse will become emotionless, withdrawn, and unhappy roommates with built up resentment which becomes insurmountable over time.

Knowing who you are and whose you are will quench your deep personal needs. Search for your true identity in the one by whom you were created. Truthfulness about yourself and dealing with the demons hindering your discovery will allow you to begin your marriage as a whole person not looking for someone to complete you but instead looking for someone to compliment you.

So what should you expect from marriage? That it will be the union of two imperfect people coming together mind, body, and soul. These independent people will share a name, a checkbook, and a bed but that won’t make the marriage. Expect that you will leave your old life and enter into an exclusive interdependent lifelong commitment to each other. Anticipate that your spouse will learn to respect the image of God in you and that they will never forget to pray for you daily. Never go to bed angry, (Still working on this one occasionally). Most importantly expect that each of you will be faithful to your vow. Your marriage is sacred ground. God has sanctioned it you must be determined as we are to come together for God’s purposes, no longer two but one. My favorite saying is “Me and you against the world Baby.” The Word tells us “Love is not self- seeking, it’s not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrong.” 1 Corinthians 13:5.

Work at growing your love and your relationship to a deeper level. Put love for God first. Make every effort to have your goals and aspirations mature as your character deepens. These are the expectations that will be rewarded.

Keith and Cheryl Donovan have been married for seventeen years. Not all of then blissful. Yet through it all they have learned to apply biblical principles to their lives taking the lessons learned and transforming them into a marriage of purpose as they share their testimony of love and commitment to the world.

To learn more about Keith and Cheryl and their journey to a marriage of purpose visit: http://www.doyoustilldomarriage.blogspot.com or e-mail them at cherylspeaks@gmail.com